The Pecker Monologue

Today's topic: random penis thoughts.

Men think of their penises as sort of an idiot twin joined at the loin. The twin has a mind of his own, and does some embarrassing things. This twin is addicted to pleasure, and forces one to say and do things otherwise unthinkable. My twin is irresponsible, but also irresistable. Sort of a charming idiot. And an upright sorta guy.

In spite of many years of trying to read their minds, I honestly don't know what women think of penises. I know that they find them interesting and pleasing (at least, hetero women do), but they don't seem to worship them visually the way that men worship women's bodies. It's no secret that much of men's mental energies are spent in searching for places to entertain the penis. No matter what the actual size, in our dreams our penis is always big and satisfying. ("When turkeys make love, they imagine swans.") In spite of any denials, obviously size matters. But it's not all that matters. The old Masters and Johnson sexual studies of the fifties found the following distribution of penis size in college-aged men:Note that even the shape of the graph is somewhat emblematic of how men perceive their protruding appendages!

Six inches is not only the average fully erect size, it is the most common size. Statistically, that means that half of all men will have a penis less than 6 inches, and half will be longer. We all want to be longer than average, but we just can't be. (Damn you statistics!) Less than 2% of the student body in that Masters and Johnson study exceeded 8 inches.

You must be thinking that all of those 2% must work in the porn industry, because it appears that 8 inches seems to be the minimum entry level for the filmed phallus. On the other hand, many male actors use prosthetic extentions for the cinematic effect, thus distorting our perception of the length distribution curve.

I do not plan to reveal the dimensions of my own titanic Love Stallion, but no matter: Regardless of how large, how thick, how well proportioned, and how elegant the curves, there's somebody out there with a bigger one. Men's feelings of penis inadequacies must originate in the same part of the brain as women's fixation on achieving perfect figures, hair, skin and so forth. We men just focus all of our self-doubt on that one single idiot twin joined at the loin. Perfection is never achievable.

I once had a some encounters with a lovely woman who had just broken up with her lover, who by her accounts had an enormous cock. She claimed that her hand could not wrap all the way around its thickness, and that it was a physical challenge to take him inside. (His own wife was unable to have sex with him because it was too painful.) Even though this woman complimented my manhood--and what polite woman wouldn't?--she really only wanted the Big One, painful or not. Eventually, she and he did get back together. I was left as an also-ran with only some tissue for my idiot twin to cry into.

I think that ultimately what a man wants is for a woman to worship his cock in spite of it not being the biggest thing around. That reverence would be the ultimate proof of his worthiness. Primitive art is full of examples of phallic worship, but after all, those sculptures and paintings were most likely made at the direction of men; powerful men who wanted monuments to the male organ for all to worship. Men who found the ultimate way to become rock hard!

Why are we so insecure? After all, if the organ gives us our desired outcomes, why should we really care what effect it has on others? I suppose it's partly just a result of our competitive instincts. And the idea that having the Big One would act as a free pass to Pussytown. Whether or not the obsession goes deeper than that, I'll leave to the comments of my readers.

I do know this: There is one man somewhere on earth who is the biggest. Is he happier than me? Do women find him irresistable? Do gay men prey on him? Would it be a blessing, or a curse? Would the physical sensations of sex be amplified in proportion to the size of the organ, or would they be diminished as a result of its heft?

Supposedly, the largest penis on earth belongs to Jonah Falcon, an actor who--amazingly--has declined offers to do porn. He does not hesitate to use his asset for self-promotion, however. His penis is over 9-1/2 inches long when flaccid--larger when flaccid than the largest erect penis found in the Masters & Johnson study. When erect, it is roughly the size of Jonah's forearm and it measures 13 inches. It is an amazing and attractive organ. In my next life, I'd like to have one just like it. Except a bit larger. If I'm going to have an idiot twin joined at the loin, I want him to be the bestest of them all.